A Thought For The (EARTH) Day

Behind green door
Save the planet and help your sex life. Or is it the other way around?
By MIKE STROBEL
Tonight, as you prepare to give your lover a good Earth Day spanking, ask yourself one question.
Is that an eco-friendly, fair-trade paddle?
Yes? Then flail away, with pride. Your sex life is not only black and blue, but green, too.
Now, kill the lights to save energy.
(BE WARNED. Spanking or flogging in the dark is dangerous.)
Good grief, sex is complicated enough without the green machine invading the bedrooms of the nation.
We drive hybrids, we cycle, we recycle, we drink tap water, we compost, we eat organic, we change our bulbs. So, inevitably ...
The bedroom has become an eco-chamber. We're all trying to get a green piece.
My latest clue is a press release, on the eve of Earth Day, from the inventor of We-Vibe, a sex toy.
Bruce Murison is in Ottawa, where they have found assorted ways of screwing us for years.
The bulletin is titled, "How to Buy a Green Sex Toy: Earth Day Shopping Tips."
Murison, naturally, touts his toy.
It is "the first strapless, wireless, dual-motor vibrator that can be worn by the woman while making love for internal and external stimulation."
Not only that, but after she scrapes herself off the ceiling, she can bask in the knowledge she has struck a blow for the environment.
"We specifically designed the We-Vibe with the environment and consumer safety in mind," says Murison.
The $129.95 little monster is "lead-free, phthalate-free, rechargeable (and) made of medical grade silicone."
(Fellas, don't panic. That's phthalate-free. Different spelling. It's used to soften plastics and has raised health flags.)
The We-Vibe contains no nasty metals, so the only lead will be in your pencil.
"We care deeply for our environment," says Murison, 49, who has sold 80,000 of his doodads worldwide. "We have made every possible effort to minimize the manufacturing impact to our planet."
Today, he is off to China to visit his toymakers, to ensure they still make a good living in happy factories.
He may fly over Japan, where even sex clubs have gone green.
At the Beauty and the Beast club, everything that vibrates is powered by clean energy. The mannequin used to practise S&M is made of recycled material, as are the ropes and candles. Even the chopsticks are reusable.
Japan is in the forefront of green sex, but the phenomenon is global.
You can equip your playpen with all manner of green gizmos: Dildos of easily recycled glass or safe silicone. Whips of old tire rubber. Wood paddles made by fair-trade projects in India. Solar-powered vibrators. Vegan condoms, not tested on animals, unless you count your husband.
My late dad would be delighted to hear hemp, which he farmed, is now a popular earth-friendly lubricant.
Hemp panties, too. After sex, you can roll them up and try to smoke 'em.
Of course, hemp rope has many uses in the bedroom. Climbing out the window when her husband comes home, for instance.
Bamboo sheets are as sexy as silk -- and no worms die.
Yes, the green sex business has come a long way from cucumbers and certain root vegetables.
Greenpeace has a Guide to Environmentally Friendly Sex.
This includes drinking guarana and caju juice as aphrodisiacs, to spare shellfish populations. Save The Oyster?!
If backyard sex whets your whistle, use natural fertilizers and pesticides.
Finally, says Greenpeace: Make Love, Not War.
So, now you know the G in G-spot stands for green. You're on the eco-kink bandwagon.
But start slow. Don't rush out and look for a biodegradable blow-up doll.
If you're into recycling your better half, I can recommend a swingers club or two.
Too extreme? Then simply shower together. Saves water and energy.When you bolt for the boudoir, remember to shut off the shower.
And last one in bed, turn out the lights.

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