Thanks Lorrie. I Had To Work Last Night....

....so I wasn't able to watch and evaluate the "debate."

What's it all mean?

Watch for signs as leaders reveal their true selves in TV debate

By LORRIE GOLDSTEIN

As scientific experts have noted, politicians inadvertently reveal much about themselves in high-pressure situations such as tonight's televised English-language leaders debate.

So it's important to listen and watch them closely for tell-tale signs of the true meaning of their words. Here are some things to look for:

- If Stephen Harper "has a toned-downed version of the porn actress look favoured by this decade's woman" it means Heather Mallick is writing about politics again.

- If Stephane Dion is speaking in French with simultaneous English translation, it means the Liberals have finally figured out a way to make Dion decipherable in English.

- If Gilles Duceppe says anything, it means we should ask ourselves how come the guy who's the SEPARATIST leader has appeared in more of these CANADIAN election debates than the four FEDERALIST leaders?

- If Jack Layton claims one more time that the NDP can tax "corporations" and "big polluters" without having them pass on those costs to consumers, it means I've probably put my foot through the television set.

- If Elizabeth May is levitating, it means Harper is explaining the Conservative plan to fight global warming.

- If Harper mentions former Australian prime minister John Howard, it means Howard is due for another royalty cheque.

- If Dion appears nervous and sweaty, it means he's spotted Bob Rae blowing kisses to him from off-camera -- stark naked and with Rick Mercer.

- If Duceppe is debating Harper about what something means for Quebec, it means this would probably be a good time to go to the bathroom.

- If May keeps looking at her watch, it means she has a train to catch.

- If Harper gets mean and nasty, it means the Tory war room will be hauling his blue sweater out of mothballs so he can wear it for his first campaign appearance tomorrow morning.

- If Dion speaks fondly of Kyoto, it means someone will have to ask him whether he's referring to the United Nations climate change treaty, or his dog.

- If Duceppe is complaining about the Canadian government, it means someone should tell him to put his money where his mouth is for once and announce he's throwing his hat into the ring to lead the Parti Quebecois and take Quebec out of Canada ... for more than a day, this time.

- If May doesn't criticize Dion at all during the debate, while constantly going for Harper's jugular, it means we shouldn't really be surprised, now should we?

- If a vicious fight breaks out among the five party leaders over federal-provincial transfer payments, it means who, other than a few editorial writers, really !#@$@?!! cares?

SHELTER

- If any of the five leaders claims he or she has a plan to shelter Canada from the looming U.S. recession, and if you believe them, it means I have a bridge in Brooklyn I'd love to sell you.

- If any of the five leaders credits an opponent with actually having had a pretty good idea every once in a while, it means half the television audience will have a coronary.

- If, after the debate, one of those omnipresent and insufferable party spin doctors admits: "You know, actually my leader didn't do all that well" -- so will the other half.