From Gerry Nichol's Crystal Ball

Pundits' forecasts so far have been boring -- here's the real scoop on what to expect until Oct. 14

By GERRY NICHOLLS

Anyone who believes in democracy should be extremely disappointed with what's happening so far during this federal election.

Simply put, we are being short-changed by our so-called political pundits.

After all, we voters depend on these professional political observers to provide us with exciting election predictions.

But to date, all they have offered us is the usual boring forecasting fare: How many seats will each party win; what will the voter turn-out be, will Stephen Harper ever break a smile?

We Canadians deserve better than that; we deserve election predictions which make you wonder if the guy making them has a crystal ball or is an astrologer or if he is on some sort of medication.

So with that in mind, I have decided to offer my own predictions as to what we can expect over the next six weeks or so:

The Conservative election strategy of wooing "Main Street" voters will backfire when Prime Minister Stephen Harper overdoses on Tim Horton's coffee.

The Liberals will fire Stephane Dion and replace him with his dog.

The New Democratic Party will officially change its name to the "Democratic Party" and Jack Layton will officially change his name to "Barack Obama."

Bloc Quebecois leader Gilles Duceppe will declare himself to be a "distinct society" and unilaterally separate from Canada.

Green Party leader Elizabeth May's campaign bus will get stuck in a melting glacier.

Biker chick Julie Couillard will become an election issue when Heritage Canada announces plans to declare her breasts a historic national monument.

Taking a cue from the success of Godzilla movies, the Liberals will dub over Dion's voice during the English-language leadership debate.

Outraged by media charges that he is a "mean bully," Harper will beat three reporters to death.

The Liberals will replace their unpopular Green Shift plan with a scheme offering motorists free dishware with every gas fill up.

The hands-down winner of the leadership debates will be the same winner as in the last election's leadership debates: Moderator Steve Paikin.

In a desperate bid to raise funds, the cash-strapped Liberals will auction off Jean Chretien's golf balls.

Harper will suffer a panic attack when his aides tell him they can't find his "hidden agenda."

Liberal officials will order Bob Rae to drop his controversial campaign slogan: "You see I told you so. You should have elected me Liberal Party leader."

In order to win the support of female voters, the Conservative Party will promise to proclaim November as "Sex and the City Month."

TOURNAMENT DECISION

The election will result in a three-way tie between the NDP, the Conservatives and the Liberals, which under our election laws means the winner will be determined by a three-way "rock, paper, scissors" tournament.

Thanks to an election night computer glitch CBC news will officially declare the next prime minister of Canada to be Paris Hilton.

Justin Trudeau's election performance will win him praise from all parts of the country, but the country will be Cuba.

Disclaimer: This column is presented for entertainment purposes only, don't really expect any of these predictions to come true, but if they do remember you read it here first.