Dear Sasha,
I’m in a happy, loving and committed relationship with a man I plan on marrying. We have excellent open communication and could use your advice about how to add some anal to our sex life.
I tried talking to my doctor about it but didn’t receive any help. He made me feel like some deviant, gave me a few pamphlets and told me it was unsafe and unsanitary!
My problem is that while I enjoy the feeling of having my ass fingered or rimmed, the second he penetrates me with his penis I’m jumping up in excruciating pain.
He says it’s no big deal and he can be perfectly happy without anal sex, but I know it’s one of his favourite acts and I’d like to be able to enjoy it with him. Are there any toys, materials or methods you can recommend? And are there possible medical reasons /circumstances that make anal impossible for certain people?
Ass Pirate Wannabe
Dear Ass,
Many people experience anal sex this way when they first set out to include it in their private adventures. The ass evolved to expel waste, but it is also an area where you can experience a lot of pleasure if you treat it with respect and care.
One of the first things I’d do is begin looking for a doctor who is more sex-positive. If your doctor believes that anal sex is primarily unsafe and unsanitary, he probably also believes that sexual expression can only exist within outdated heterosexist parameters. He will not be a good sounding board for any other explorations you may feel like embarking on in the future.
One reason why people may find anal sex difficult when they first try it is because so much fear and so many taboos surround the area. Doctors like yours don’t help when they perpetuate this idea. The anus and its corporeal allies (the digestive system, the sphincters, the anal passage) are very emotionally sensitive body parts – they react to stress almost immediately. Perhaps you’ve noticed that when you’re nervous or worried, you become constipated or you get diarrhea. The anus is like a five-year-old: you know immediately when it’s happy or unhappy.
One thing I’ve come to realize in all aspects of my life, but most particularly as it pertains to sex, is that if I am doing something for someone else, specifically as a way of securing their affection, things almost always go awry. (Oddly, this is usually made worse by a partner telling you to “do it for yourself,” not for them. Part of you always feels they are only saying this to abdicate responsibility.)
The stress you’re putting on yourself to please your partner contributes to the pain you’re feeling when he penetrates you. You want so badly to do this for him. You expect to fail.
Your anus clenches up in anticipation. You feel pain. And, yes, that pain is excruciating, so it is certainly difficult to imagine that one day it could be transformed into glorious pleasure.
I encourage you to look at anal sex as something that truly has the potential to provide you with pleasure rather than as something you must learn to bear in order to please your partner.
Get to know this part of your body. Read Anal Pleasure & Health, by Jack Morin, and The Ultimate Guide To Anal Sex For Women, by Tristan Taormino. Look for instructional videos about anal sex that focus on pleasure. Work your way up to something the size of a penis, rather than going from tongue to finger to penis. Experiment on your own with a vibrator and smaller sex toys. Don’t forget to be generous with the lubricant. And, of course, with yourself.
There are medical reasons/circumstances why anal sex is difficult or impossible for some people, yes. For example, people who suffer from chronic hemorrhoids might find anal sex an unappealing prospect, and those with IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) or Crohn’s may be uncomfortable fiddling around with their ass any more than they absolutely have to.
I’m in a happy, loving and committed relationship with a man I plan on marrying. We have excellent open communication and could use your advice about how to add some anal to our sex life.
I tried talking to my doctor about it but didn’t receive any help. He made me feel like some deviant, gave me a few pamphlets and told me it was unsafe and unsanitary!
My problem is that while I enjoy the feeling of having my ass fingered or rimmed, the second he penetrates me with his penis I’m jumping up in excruciating pain.
He says it’s no big deal and he can be perfectly happy without anal sex, but I know it’s one of his favourite acts and I’d like to be able to enjoy it with him. Are there any toys, materials or methods you can recommend? And are there possible medical reasons /circumstances that make anal impossible for certain people?
Ass Pirate Wannabe
Dear Ass,
Many people experience anal sex this way when they first set out to include it in their private adventures. The ass evolved to expel waste, but it is also an area where you can experience a lot of pleasure if you treat it with respect and care.
One of the first things I’d do is begin looking for a doctor who is more sex-positive. If your doctor believes that anal sex is primarily unsafe and unsanitary, he probably also believes that sexual expression can only exist within outdated heterosexist parameters. He will not be a good sounding board for any other explorations you may feel like embarking on in the future.
One reason why people may find anal sex difficult when they first try it is because so much fear and so many taboos surround the area. Doctors like yours don’t help when they perpetuate this idea. The anus and its corporeal allies (the digestive system, the sphincters, the anal passage) are very emotionally sensitive body parts – they react to stress almost immediately. Perhaps you’ve noticed that when you’re nervous or worried, you become constipated or you get diarrhea. The anus is like a five-year-old: you know immediately when it’s happy or unhappy.
One thing I’ve come to realize in all aspects of my life, but most particularly as it pertains to sex, is that if I am doing something for someone else, specifically as a way of securing their affection, things almost always go awry. (Oddly, this is usually made worse by a partner telling you to “do it for yourself,” not for them. Part of you always feels they are only saying this to abdicate responsibility.)
The stress you’re putting on yourself to please your partner contributes to the pain you’re feeling when he penetrates you. You want so badly to do this for him. You expect to fail.
Your anus clenches up in anticipation. You feel pain. And, yes, that pain is excruciating, so it is certainly difficult to imagine that one day it could be transformed into glorious pleasure.
I encourage you to look at anal sex as something that truly has the potential to provide you with pleasure rather than as something you must learn to bear in order to please your partner.
Get to know this part of your body. Read Anal Pleasure & Health, by Jack Morin, and The Ultimate Guide To Anal Sex For Women, by Tristan Taormino. Look for instructional videos about anal sex that focus on pleasure. Work your way up to something the size of a penis, rather than going from tongue to finger to penis. Experiment on your own with a vibrator and smaller sex toys. Don’t forget to be generous with the lubricant. And, of course, with yourself.
There are medical reasons/circumstances why anal sex is difficult or impossible for some people, yes. For example, people who suffer from chronic hemorrhoids might find anal sex an unappealing prospect, and those with IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) or Crohn’s may be uncomfortable fiddling around with their ass any more than they absolutely have to.
