Start 2010 with a splash
It's time to decide who should be left off the ark for the New Year
Time to decide who shouldn't be allowed on the ark in 2010.
As such, we'll call them the Noah Awards and it's a three-way win at first place between animal rights activists, global warming fanatics and obsessive atheists.
All three showed enormous commitment and utter lack of intelligence, decorum and sanity last year. Their dedication was such that we on the Noah committee found it impossible to single out one particular winner. It simply would have been unfair.
Bunny fanatics were obvious. The cuter the animals look or the more they seem as if they're crying or cuddling a ball of wool, the more a bunch of neurotics with too much time on their hands will obsess about them. Kittens, puppies and baby seals are the most fun, with surprisingly little time being devoted to lizards and worms.
Climate change bores? Easy. Suddenly everybody with a laptop and an Internet account has an advanced degree from a world-class university in climatology. It's not only that they're probably wrong, but that they're so incredibly and violently intolerant of anybody who dares to point out the inadequacies of their arguments.
As for hardcore atheists, it's truly miraculous that the evolutionary process that they moan on about hasn't expunged them from the world long ago. Plenty of people doubt God, but these types spend their lives screaming at anybody who still has the courage and integrity to hold a cogent supernatural belief system.
They're not atheists at all really, just angry people who believe in an alternative to what they mistakenly think to be mainstream religion and are convinced they earn significance by aping the debating points of famous atheists whom they've never met but tend to, well, worship.
In second place came Muslim fanatics. Actually this was a tough one. It was difficult for us to decide between actual Muslim fanatics or non-Muslims who repeatedly try to silence critics of Muslim fanatics by chanting the Islamophobia word. Anybody who hates people merely because they are Muslim would indeed be irrational. Those who dislike people who would slaughter them and their families in the name of Islam, however, are the direct opposite and are entirely rational.
The rest of the bunch all merged into one. Talk radio warriors.
The same dozen people repeatedly calling radio stations to say, "First time caller, long time listener;" "It's the thin edge of the wedge;" "Agree with everything you say" and "My taxes are too high" obviously wouldn't be welcome.
Then there are Holocaust deniers, people who want to die for Sarah Palin and those who are offended by every joke or comment that does not reveal homosexuals, black and brown people, Jews, Arabs and pretty much every other minority in an incredibly positive light.
People who attend demonstrations all the time, parents who have their children call them by their first names instead of "mum" and "dad," people who blame their every failing on society, the family or Stephen Harper, people who think Avatar was a great movie and those who would file a human rights complaint to make sure they were not kicked off the ark.
Go swim. Happy New Year.
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