Dual Citizenship Is Akin To Being Bi-Sexual

How To Tell You're A Canadian, EH!
by Ian Shanley

Recently I was asked why I am not a Canadian citizen. I was asked this by one of those stone-faced rent-a-border-guards at the entrance to North Dakota (state motto; Coming soon: indoor plumbing) Well, that got me to thinking. Not a lot of things do that.

Why, oh why would anyone want to be a Canadian? I mean, what's the attraction? The beer is too strong, the beef is the best in the world, and the water is way too unpolluted. Plus, all of this space is enough to make anyone agoraphobic. The free health care is almost as embarrassing as having the world's best junior hockey players. We have almost no school shootings, or tsunamis to deal with. Sure there's lots of snow, the odd tornado, and too many mosquitoes to kill while holding one of those strong Canadian beer in one hand. What on Earth could possibly entice a Brit, such as myself to obtain dual citizenship, and become Canadian? Well, I decided to look into it, and for only $200 (!), you get the following ...

1. Canadian citizenship.

2. The end

Besides, I've learned a thing or three aboot being Canadian along the way, and believe me, I qualify. I know things that only Canadians know. Everyone got their sarcasm tuques on?

Let's have a closer look at ourselves. Here are some ways to tell if your truly Canadian ...

You're Canadian if bring a portable TV on a camping trip so that you don't miss the hockey game. You're Canadian if you know that the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP) don't always look like that. Maybe you can sing O Canada in French and actually know what the words mean. Perhaps you have sent angry letters to the CBC demanding the return of the Hinterland Who's Who spots so you can finally find out what happens to the Arctic ptarmigan in winter. I'll bet most of us have stood in line for hours for Tragically Hip tickets. We're all bilingual to a point, too. I'll bet you know the French equivalents of "free," "prize" and "no sugar added," thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging. It is quite likely that you know more than three guys named Gordon. You're thinking about it right now, aren't you? Here's something every one of us has done in February; we hear it's going up to -10 C, and we think it's mild weather! Am I wrong? On the other hand we find -40C a little chilly. I'll wager that at some time, someone has accidentally stepped on your foot, and you've turned around and apologized! We know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway. And don't even try to tell me that you don't have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers. Remember, as kids, we'd have to design our Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit? Fast forward to now, and the odds are that you've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard. Know why? You're Canadian! It's what we do eh? There's more. We all know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced "Zed," not "Zee." And during the winter, which lasts for like eight months, your local newspaper covers the national news on two pages, but requires six pages for hockey. Speaking of which, you sports fans all perk up when you hear the theme song from Hockey Night in Canada. You are truly Canadian if you have more kilometres on your snowblower than your car. You are truly Canadian if you know which leaves make for good toilet paper. And you are definitely Canadian through and through if the trunk of your car doubles as a freezer!

So, I ask you again; Why, oh why would anyone want to be a Canadian? I mean, what's the attraction?

All of the above, my friend. Dual citizenship, here I come!

P.S. You're truly Canadian if you just read this to someone!

Possibly named Gordon.