Canada's MPs have finally finished one of the most gruelling parliamentary sessions in years. This has taken its toll. Mental and physical exhaustion can lead to serious psychological and physical complications. In the interest of better diagnosis and treatment, we publish the following brief definitions, excerpted from the Manual of Political Disorders and Diseases.
Fortunately for them, our politicians will be getting a good, long rest over the summer. Unfortunately for the rest of us, they'll be back in the fall.
Harperger's Syndrome: A high-functioning communication disorder, characterized by a complete inability to connect emotionally with others. The patient is often highly intelligent, but so self-absorbed and unable to understand anyone else's needs that he is often misdiagnosed as mentally deficient.
Patients often get trapped in vicious circles of their own making. For instance, the patient may introduce an environmental plan that does nothing at all to reduce carbon emissions. When the public fails to express approval, the patient reacts with confusion, anger and panic. He quickly withdraws the plan, feverishly rewrites it and, a few months later, introduces a brand new plan that does nothing at all to reduce carbon emissions.
Patients constantly change their minds while insisting they haven't, and even threaten to sue those who say they did.
Self-Ducepption: Formerly known as Don Quixote's Disease, this is a mental aberration marked by a tendency to charge wildly into new undertakings before, moments later, running away again screaming, especially at the sight of unfavourable poll results.
These patients occasionally exhibit bizarre phobias, such as a morbid fear of being photographed in cheese factories.
Patients are typically unable to recognize irrational contradictions in their own behaviour, such as lolling about for years in a cushy featherbed, all the while insisting that the featherbed be declared illegitimate and thrown away.
Dion Prion: A previously little-known entity, which some researchers have attempted to blame for numerous pathological events, ranging from Mad Cow Disease to Kyoto Failure, though it has never been convincingly proven responsible for anything.
This may be due to its incredibly long gestation period, since it can take up to 20 years to have any discernible effect on the body politic, by which time it has turned the whole brain to mush.
Other researchers remain skeptical, however, claiming that any effect at all from the Dion Prion is unlikely, and that you could probably swallow a quart of the stuff without any result, except for a feeling of extreme boredom and a desire to lie down and never get up.
Laytoncy Period: This is the name given to the period in the life cycle of a condition when it remains merely potential, the faintest possibility, or in extreme cases, completely imaginary.
At such times, it may exhibit all the characteristics of a real and effective condition except that it doesn't, in any real sense, actually exist. It's possible for the condition to appear vigorously active, generating a lot of heat and apparently working away furiously, without ever turning into anything serious.
The best treatment is to wait quietly until it gives up and goes away. In some cases, it may suddenly turn a loud green colour. This may be a sign of something big developing or, then again, it may not.
Jeffery Ewener is a Toronto writer.
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