Put Forwrd As Satire BUT...

...it highlights the con game being played on the citizens of Toronto by Comrade Miller, Clown Council and Bureaucrats. 

James Corner’s master plan for Lake Ontario Park in limbo

The internationally renowned architect sees beauty where Torontonians see a wastewater-treatment plant May 07, 2010 6

The Lower Don Lands will have the only hockey arena visible from space

‘Squandered’? Add a drive-thru Tim Hortons and the rest of Canada will know for once and for all who’s boss

Mark Schatzker

From Saturday's Globe and Mail Published on Friday, May. 07, 2010 6:15PM EDT Last updated on Friday, May. 07, 2010 6:17PM EDT

 

A prominent Toronto urban designer has resigned from a contract to integrate a controversial sports complex and hockey arena into the city’s east waterfront area, charging that the vision for the neighbourhood has been “squandered.” – Toronto Star, April 3, 2010


Dear Mayor Miller:
I am writing to you to express my enthusiastic and unconditional support. I salute your vision, sir. I applaud your resolve. I wholeheartedly endorse the resignation of the alleged uber-planner Ken Greenberg. He opposed your plan to build not two, not three, but four hockey rinks in a row next to an abundantly spacious and easily navigable above-ground parking lot on the lakefront. He stood in the way of progress. And progress ran him over.
Thanks to your bold initiative, Toronto will soon lay claim to the only hockey arena visible from outer space. Due to your foresight, the Lower Don Lands has vaulted into the favourite to win Kraft Hockeyville 2012. The city will have you to thank, Mr. Mayor.
Let us imagine, for a moment, arriving at a weekend hockey tournament. It’s 5 a.m. You close the rear door of your minivan and muss the hair on your son’s head as he hoists his bag of hockey equipment over his shoulder and then together you stride over “urban prairie” as fat snowflakes, lit by towering light standards, land silently on black asphalt. It will be like living in a Tim Hortons commercial.
Speaking of Timmy’s, now would be a good time to build a brand new one directly across from the four hockey arenas – perhaps its first big-box franchise, with a footprint equal to that of the hockey megaplex. Might I suggest a drive-thru? Because if the parking lot is going to be as big as I think it’s going to be, it will be too far to walk there. And how about squeezing in a Wal-Mart, Canadian Tire, and a Bed, Bath and Beyond, too? A Kelsey’s could feed all those hungry, post-game tummies that can’t make it to the Kelsey’s near their homes.
But take note, Mr. Mayor. Several key challenges still remain:
1) A state of the art “Lake Wall.” We all know what it’s like to step out of a cozy SUV or minivan only to face a chill breeze coming off Lake Ontario. No one likes it. And no one will ever have to experience it if you block that breeze with a 100-metre-long concrete barrier.
2) Erect an urban “sun condom.” Is there anything worse than walking out of an air-conditioned Canadian Tire or Kelsey’s and finding that your car has turned into a mini-greenhouse? The solution is simple: more condo towers. As the city has done with other parts of the waterfront, build towers that are tall enough to block the sun even during the summertime peak. Not only will this lower the carbon footprint of the four hockey arenas, thus saving the planet, but it will also make every parking spot a shaded parking spot.
3) Create a car-friendly parking lot/biosphere. At least once a year, you pull into a mall parking lot and find all the good spots are taken and you have to drive to the middle of the lot and walk – sometimes as much as 100 metres – to get indoors. With the biosphere, everyone wins. Kids will love the in-house Rainforest Café, and dads will love the great parking. You could even make it a marketing concept: “The Lower Lower Don Lands: Where every parking spot is a great parking spot.”
4) The name. Who came up with the name “Lower Don Lands”? Let me guess – an urban planner. How about something with pizzazz? I offer these three suggestions, any of which you may use free of charge: “The Lower Don Lands Commercial and Residential Centre,” “The Donplex” or, my favourite, “Dontopia.”
Mayor Miller, Ken Greenberg is but one urban planner. There is an entire army of them. They hate SUVs. They hate hockey. They hate Canadians, basically. The city’s dysfunctional bureaucracy is formidable, and with your leadership they will withstand the planning hordes. Remember, long after Torontonians have forgotten about the Great Garbage Strike of '09, our children will be playing hockey in shady, breeze-protected Dontopia. I like to think of it as your legacy.