Comrade Miller at his best......
His team!Welcome ... to Dave's kinda town
The mayor is a busy guy, so I thought I'd help him in his new moonlight job as boss of Invest Toronto.Michael Bryant ran the agency until his career came to a screeching halt at Bloor and Avenue Rd. on Sept. 2.
Invest Toronto tries to lure global high rollers. The CEO -- now David Miller in an acting role -- baits the hook. His contact letter is crucial.
So to save Mayor Miller time, and to get cash and jobs flooding our city quickly, I've drafted such a letter for his use, free of charge.
Dear Investor:
I write as the new -- I'm saying it's interim, LOL -- president and CEO of Invest Toronto. The previous guy has left to pursue, ahem, a legal career.
But don't worry. Your investment will be in good hands with me. I was already chairman of the board of Invest Toronto and, did I mention, I am also the mayor of the whole darn city.
Some snarky newspaper people even call me King David, which I have to admit is growing on me. But if you bring your business here, you don't have to call me King, or even Your Highness. Your Worship is fine. If you bring more than $10 million, you can call me Dave.
Yes, we are very good at multi-tasking. And if I can't do a job myself, I get someone who will do it exactly as I say.
As you set up shop, you can deal with City Hall as if you are dealing with yours truly. Simpler that way.
But enough about me. Let me tell you of my snowy Utopia. I have 2.5 million subjects, I mean constituents, all of them eager to work, smart and adaptable.
You don't have to mollycoddle them. They are conditioned to accept whatever you throw at them.
I've even got them paying a nickel for grocery bags. Ha-ha-ha. I love sneaking into Loblaws to watch them try to stuff all their food into their purse. Say, if your company makes those pricey cloth bags, this is the place for you.
I like to think of Toronto as green. But don't worry. We're flexible. Sometimes my deputy mayor saves trees -- and sometimes he chops them down. It depends. Bring $1 million and you can buzz-saw three aspens. Ten million? Take a hack at any kind of fir, even harp seal if you're European. For $100 mill, you can go over to Case Ootes' house and fell his oak.
Green? Clean? Why, this past summer, we grew crops in city parks. Employees could sup happily on salads of dandelion, plantain and chicory root. Think of your savings in cafeteria costs.
By the way, I guarantee no civic or garbage strike for three years. Can Paris say that? Or the NHL?
Transit workers, I'm not so sure. But they're in my pocket. Or is it the other way around? Either way, you win, right? Yes, we're a business- friendly town. Even our taxes have comforting names. The latest is not actually ours, but Ontario's. That's the province which would be a banana republic without us.
Anyway, they're pushing a "harmonized" tax, the HST. Harmonized. It has a lovely ring, eh? Peace, harmony. Masks the fact that minor items like houses and gas will cost more. Diapers will still be exempt. Whew!
On the other hand, businesses will save millions, so why should you worry?
Maybe I'll rename my taxes, too. Make 'em sound cooler. The Pimp My Ride Levy sounds sexy. The Transfer a Piece of Canada Tithe is patriotic.
Last, safety. There is a vicious rumour that we have crime. But we have banned nuclear weapons and I hope to add handguns, rifles, machetes, brass knuckles, broken bottles and steak knives.
There is little chance you or your employees will be shot. Unless you are in the meth lab business. Hmmm. I wonder. A meth lab tax ...
Don't worry, I'll think of a soothing name for it.
Yours truly,
David Miller
Chairman, president, CEO, mayor, etc, etc.
MIKE STROBEL'S COLUMN RUNS WEDNESDAY TO FRIDAY, AND SUNDAY
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