Marking territory is job number one
By TED WOLOSHYN
There's a commercial running on television that has me scratching my head in wonder. It's for "Male Urinary Symptoms," for men who gotta go. Often.
The commercial focuses on four guys playing golf. At various times they get that urge and off they go ... to a washroom.
Have the producers of this commercial never played golf with men? We don't need a structure in which to pee; we're surrounded by trees and bushes, and have a God-given right to pee on them. Just like dogs. You know, man's best friend. How do you think we've bonded so well over the years?
We also know spelling your name in the snow is a Canadian boy's rite of passage. I recall when I was a wee lad (sorry) it used to take about 5 or 6 cups of hot chocolate to spell W-O-L-O-S-H-Y-N.
Some of the more clever boys would sign I.P. Nightly. Today it takes me four trips just to spell my first name.
When I bought my first house I remember walking to the corner of the yard by a bush, to do my duty when someone, a woman, said to me: "Why are you going outside when you could walk half the distance into the house?"
Because, I declared, my friend Harry told me that if you can't pee on your own property, then you have no property. Bang on Harry!
Now although many women are adverse to men peeing outside, some also do it. I have witnessed this, sort of, on golf courses. Obviously they occupy their own spot, kind of like the ladies' tees.
For the most part I have witnessed that the main thing pi@#$s women off is men with poor aim. They are disgusting, and obviously don't care about others; only themselves.
Women of course, are devoid of the need for telescopic assistance, and clearly don't understand the complexities involved with such manoeuvring. Women have said to me, men should sit down to pee. But that's just wrong. It's tantamount to proclaiming, "Off with his head!"
Women also enjoy an added advantage over men -- the convenience of speaking on a cell phone while performing number one. The sound is completely muffled; but not for men.
And I speak with red-faced experience when I tell you I have been chastised for performing the same chore while in a vertical position.
"Hey Ted...what's that noise? Are you taking a leak while talking to me?" Click. Thank God these people don't shower with me. (Just kidding.)
YA GOTTA LAUGH
Although I realize urinary problems are not all that amusing, sometimes ya just gotta laugh.
My friend Jim waged a hellish battle with prostate cancer, which resulted in being forced to wear protective clothing, yet during this painful, frightening and awkward time he still kept his sense of humour.
While walking he would stop every five or six steps and proudly shout, "Flush." You have to admire that kind of self-deprecating humour.
And so my friends these are my thoughts on this issue, and if it causes disquiet in regard to spending time with me outdoors, don't worry, I can be discreet. And I know how to whistle.
For those who enjoy sharing with nature, I do offer this caveat, be aware of burrs.
For the rest of you, think twice about sampling raspberries on a golf course.
ted.woloshyn@sunmedia.ca
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