I'M Guilty But For Me This Is An Avocation Not A Vocation

10 columns, 550 words

Wouldn't it be nice if pundits would just get to the !@$%$& point?

By LORRIE GOLDSTEIN

It can fairly be said of Canadian newspaper columnists, present company included, that we are nothing if not long-winded, predictable pontificators who take forever to get to the !@$%$& point.

Now that I have your attention and in order to counter this pernicious (i.e. causing great harm, evil) trend, I, Lorrie Goldstein, will today comment on 10 -- count 'em 10 -- major issues in the news in a series of mini-columns contained within this one column of 550 words precisely. Sounds incredible, I know.

Think of each mini-column below as the opening sentence of a full column, the details of which I won't then bother to bore you with.

As an added bonus for Sun Media readers, I shall write the introductory sentences to these columns in such a way as to cover both sides of each issue under discussion.

This will be achieved by offering readers an option "a" or "b" for the wording of each mini-column.

Depending on whether you choose "a" or "b" consistently in the examples below, the thus-completed opening sentence of the column I won't then go on to bore you with, will generally tell you whether any columnist espousing such views, tends toward Liberal or Conservative thinking, Democratic or Republican, and in many cases whether they typically support or oppose same-sex marriage, abortion and the death penalty.

Ready?

Here we go:

Canadian Politics

The latest poll showing the --(a) Conservatives (b) Liberals -- slightly ahead of the (a) Liberals (b) Conservatives -- has renewed speculation about a fall election.

The Economy

Yesterday's 150-point -- (a) rise (b) drop -- on the Toronto Stock Exchange is yet another indication the recession is --(a) over (b) deeper than first thought.

Employment Insurance

Canada's EI system must be structured in such a way as to -- (a) help the unemployed until they can get back on their feet (b) compel the unemployed to get off their butts and find a job.

Health Care

The history of -- (a) Canadian (b) U.S. -- health care is an example of everything that can go wrong with -- (a) socialism (b) capitalism -- because it gives far too much power to -- (a) the government (b) insurance companies -- to determine the quality of care patients receive from their doctors.

Climate Change

This summer's record-- (a) hot temperatures in many parts of Western Canada-- (b) cool temperatures in many parts of Eastern Canada -- further -- (a) supports (b) discredits -- the theory of man-made global warming, as if any further proof was needed.

Mideast Peace

The greatest impediment to Mideast peace is -- (a) Israeli/U.S. imperialism (b) Arab/Islamic terrorism.

Race Relations

Clearly, the most outrageous conduct in the now infamous confrontation between Sgt. James Crowley and Henry Louis Gates Jr. in Cambridge, Mass. was that of (a) Crowley (b) Gates.

Energy

The Alberta oil sands -- (a) are a vital component of Canada's energy security and future prosperity (b) suck.

Renewable Energy

Wind turbines -- (a) are a vital part of our smooth transition to a clean energy future (b) suck.

Conrad Black

Conrad Black -- (a) has been unjustly imprisoned (b) finally got what he deserved -- in Florida.

And ... we ... are ... done!

As promised, that's 10 columns with 20 opposing opinions in 550 words -- the approximate space it takes many Canadian media pundits to finish their first !@$#! sentence.

Hey, am I right?

LORRIE.GOLDSTEIN@SUNMEDIA.CA