Meanwhile, back at city council ...
The nuttier the idea, the better chance it has at City Hall.
So scoffs Councillor Doug Holyday about a colleague's proposal to slash all speed limits by 10 km/h.
How true. Here is a partial transcript of the next council meeting.
Speaker Sandra Bussin: You wish to table a motion, Mr. Filion?
John Filion (Willowdale): Yes, madame speaker, and may I add you look lovely in that bunny suit tonight.
Bussin: Thanks. I paid for it myself.
Filion: Bravo! And congratulations to all of us for our fine showing in expenses this quarter. Who knew we could do it?
I myself did not even pay for these tasty chickpeas au gratin which I bought at one of our wonderfully diverse and healthful Toronto a la Cart stands.
Which brings me to my motion. I propose a fleet of carts selling nothing but carrots. Glazed carrots, ginger carrots, carrot souffle, carrot juice, carrots jubilee, carrots 'n' peas..."
Rob Ford (Etobicoke North): Shame! Shame!
Filion: OK, how 'bout we make it a rule you can't put mustard on your hotdog? That stuff stains the sidewalk. Or, better yet, let's slap a licence fee on relish..."
Bussin: Please stop, councillor. You're making me hungry. Councillor Vaughan?
Adam Vaughan (Trinity-Spadina): Madame speaker, you will remember my hip idea of taxing people to queue outside clubs on city-owned sidewalks. This is even cooler. Think of all those driveways that cross our sidewalks. Let's slap a toll on 'em. A loonie every time a car enters or exits!
Mayor David Miller: Hear! Hear!
Vaughan: Golly, we'll raise enough money to bulldoze the island airport.
Miller: Carried!!
Vaughan: And bury the Gardiner.
Miller: Do it! Do it! Tax 'em raw. Tax 'em, tax 'em, sis-boom-ba! Carried!
Bussin: Yes sir. Carried. Mr. Moscoe?
Howard Moscoe (Eglinton-Lawrence): What's in the buffet tonight?
Bussin: Be patient, Howard. Chair recognizes deputy mayor Pantalone.
Joe Pantalone (Trinity-Spadina): Madame speaker, I would like to raise again the pressing matter of Norway maple trees. These invasive aliens will take over our city if we don't act now. Send them back to Norway, I say! Man the chainsaws! We must chop ...
Ford: Call in the army!! He-he-he!
Bussin: Councillor Ford, you're out of order. See me at recess. Next? Oh, yes, your worship.
Miller: I'd like to introduce a new tax, madame speaker.
On, hmmmm, let me see, oh, yes, bran muffins.
Bran muffins. They're fattening, non-diverse and they pollute like crazy. All those tossed wax wrappers.
Bussin: Carried. We'll call it the Bran Transfer Tax.
Miller: Good girl, Sandy. Now I can buy more bike lanes. I'll put one along Queen St. E. for you.
Bussin: Oh, thank you, your honour. The Beach already has too much parking as it is.
Norm Kelly (Scarborough Agincourt): Well, I can sure fix that. I move that every shooting in Scarborough be reported as having happened in the Beach. That'll clear space.
Glenn De Baeremaeker (Scarborough Centre): Hear! Hear!
Kyle Rae (Toronto-Centre-Rosedale): We don't have shootings in Rosedale. So I move that we wall off me and my entire ward from the rest of the city.
All other councillors: Hear!! Hear!!!
Bussin: The chair recognizes Councillor Perks.
Gord Perks (Parkdale-High Park): My motion is the next logical step in driving those blasted cars off our streets. Horse lanes.
As councillors are aware, horses are as green a mode of transport as bicycles and, as far as I know, there is no shortage of oats.
Ford: Whinnyyyyy!
Perks: My cowboy colleague is stuck in the last century, madame chairman. Bicycles and horses are the future.
Ford: You gonna sweep up those horse lanes, Gordo?!
Bill Saundercook (Parkdale-High Park): Will horses do over 30? I move they can't go faster than a trot.
Bussin: Carried. See you next month.
Yessiree. The nuttier the better.
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