Nine months to go, and already the mayoral race is getting goofy.
Not like 2006, when David Miller and Jane Pitfield bored us stiff.
This time, we have a bald gay guy, a preppy I’m Not Gay guy, two Roccos, an anti-massage-ist, a deputy dog and a panhandler-turned-publisher-mom.
Grab the smelling salts. I knew we were in trouble when I heard radio host Jim Richards this week hook up with the wrong Rocco on Newstalk 1010.
Can’t blame Jim. It’s like trying to cover the Three Stooges.
Meanwhile, Curly has embarked on his farewell tour. Arrivederci, Mayor Miller.
How I pine for the dull, mundane days of Mel Lastman. Let’s review the current contenders.
The early front-runner is Furious George Smitherman. George is no wimpy gay stereotype. “A pit bull waving a feather duster,” Sun alum John Downing calls him. Furious George growled when Adam Giambrone joined the race this week. Giambrone has messed up the TTC, snarled George, so why let him mess up the rest of the city?
Then Smitherman opened the gate to toll roads downtown. Spare us, Spurious George, spare us.
You know Giambrone. He looks like your kid brother or Doogie Howser or Taylor Lautner. Adam claims to be 32. Check his ID. He started his campaign with a YouTube tour de farce. Six weeks ago, he had to deny a Now magazine report that he’s gay. “Easy mistake,” he replied, drily. His lady’s name is Sarah.
But not Sarah Thomson. She’s publisher of the Women’s Post, known for its pink boxes. That’s about all we know about her so far, except she spent time on the street and is not related to Lord Thomson of Fleet.
Rocco Rossi, as far as I know, is no relation to Martini and Rossi, the wine guys. He’s likely a close third, behind Smitherman and Giambrone. He has the most gob-smacking smile, right out of Mad magazine. He might be the brightest of the bunch.With that in mind, Jim Richards got him on the line to help dissect Giambrone’s decision to remain TTC boss while running for mayor. “Your voice has changed,” Jim said after a few seconds. Whoa. Wrong Rocco. It was Rocco Achampong, a former U of T student leader. He’s fringe, but his Rocco For Mayor campaign is gonna drive the other Rocco nuts. Not to mention confuse folks in the ballot booth. Rossi must be muttering “What are the odds? Two Roccos?” He better hope Rocco Mediate doesn’t join the fray. Or even Rockin’ Rob Ford.
To add to the weirdness, Jim Richards’ show is followed by that of John Tory, the likely winner until he bowed out.
The front pack is fleshed out with councillors Giorgio “Not George” Mammoliti and Joe “Pants On The Ground” Pantalone. Mammoliti has waged war on massage parlours and proposes a red light district. He also favours curfews and a fat expense account. Pantalone, Miller’s deputy mayor, has been at City Hall for nearly 30 years. This is not a good thing.
The fringe so far is the usual stew — from commie to supremacist.
They’re all smitten by the media attention given local politics.
“That’s the nectar that draws the kooks and wannabes,” says Downing (blog.johndowning.ca). “They won’t be anonymous anymore. Later, they find out they have to service ward complaints about missed garbage and snow cleaning, so they hire assistants. “And then they open their mouths, and they get coverage, but they don’t get respect.”
Pretty cynical in your old age, John.
Speaking of cynical, David Miller is singing a long swan song, a la Michael Jordan or Cher. The goodbye tour stopped at a community centre on Keele St. this week and continues through March, at least.
Says the mayor: “This is an opportunity to celebrate (together) all the things we love about Toronto.”
600,000 less people helped him celbrate last year...
Such as coconuts
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