Comedian Gary Thison's Look At Panhandling

If you have no self respect, here's a great way to make easy money! (Yes, besides doing comedy.)

I have discovered a sure-fire way to make good money, tax free, with little or no effort, no dress-code and no skill required. You can never be fired and you can take days off whenever the hell you want.

Does this sound like one of those radio ads which tell you that you can work at home and get rich on the internet? Well, it ain't! This is real. I see it happening every day and have even done a little research which I'll share with you, just in case you want to take advantage of this profitable endeavor.

I've been working in downtown Detroit for the past year. I hadn't worked downtown on a daily basis in more than 20 years. Regardless of what you non-Detroiters think, our downtown is pretty nice, in spite of the awful economy. But, that's another story.

This one is about the panhandlers who work the streets down here, and in every major city across the country. As I move about the downtown area, there are about five or six panhandlers whom I encounter on a regular basis. They all have their own modus operandi or method of trying to get some money from passersby. "Can you help a homeless guy get some lunch?" Of course, if you give him a sandwich he becomes indignant and throws it in the garbage.

Another guy walks around in a suit and tie, always glancing at his cell phone. He approaches people and tells them that his car was just towed and his wallet was in the car. He says he's trying to get enough money to take the bus home so he can pick up money to get his car out of the impound lot. I fell for this one. ONCE. This guy isn't very good at remembering faces. Every time I walk by him he approaches me and starts his story. Every time I tell him that he already got me with this scam. Yesterday, I just yelled "No!" He said, "Oh, okay," and walked away. The next time he asks, I'm going to tell him to remember my face because if he ever asks me again I'm going to follow him around and tell everyone he approaches that it's a flimflam operation.

Another guy simply says, "Can you help a homeless guy out?" He's the focus of this story.

He's a short, dirty looking, disheveled guy in raggedy clothes. One day, while waiting for my driver to take me to my car (okay, it's a shuttle bus), the filthy little beggar walked up to one of the valet guys in front of one of the office buildings, said a few words to him and walked away. I said to the valet guy, "I wonder how much Social Security that guy gets." The valet said, "I don't know about that, but I do know how much he makes panhandling."

I asked him how he knew that, and he told me that he buys the guy's quarters off of him every day. Just the quarters, not the nickels, dimes or dollars. "Really, so how much does he make?" I asked.

He told me that during the winter he buys about $60 or $70 in quarters every day. During the warmer months, $120 - $130. What the fuck! Let's be conservative and say he makes an average of $100 (including the nickels, dimes and dollars). That's $500 per week, tax free. That's $26,000 per year, tax free. That's bullshit. And he probably does get Social Security, disability, welfare or some other income.

What a great job! You don't need to get dressed up or even shower before work. You need no skills whatsoever. In fact the more pitiful and incompetent you look the better. I've heard reports that he does get all cleaned up from time to time and makes a deposit in his bank account right around the corner.

When I get the opportunity, I'm going to offer him five bucks if he will agree to an honest, quick little interview which I'll record on my cell phone and post here.

In the meantime, I'm going to start hanging out on the streets during my lunch hour, lay my hat on the ground and play my harmonica. At least with me you get a little (alleged) music for your money. And I'm pretty sure that people will gladly pay me....to stop playing.