Rumblings Of Dissension At Toronto Silly Hall

Secret reports, paid for by property owners, leaked to the media is either a sign of someone at Toronto Silly Hall cares about our city or another closet social in-activist with their own agenda......

Ideas run dry in top-secret memo
Jul 05, 2008 04:30 AM

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Bill Taylor

I find it disquieting how, whenever a top-secret political memo shows up mysteriously on my desk, the politicians in question deny all knowledge of it. You'd think they were accusing me of making these things up....

This latest one appears to come from city hall, though the municipal logo has been crossed out in crayon. It's called:

A New Three-Point Master Plan for Toronto

Status: Top secret.

Priority: Urgent. To be acted upon immediately, if not sooner.

ITEM 1. The demolition of part of the Gardiner Expressway is cancelled. Instead, to cope with the increased traffic into the city as expansion continues (Corollary: Prepare for the renaming of Canada's Wonderland as Downtown Canada's Wonderland), a second level will be added to the highway.

There is likely to be a groundswell of public opinion against this, especially after the collapse of a similar multi-level artery in the 1989 San Francisco earthquake. We can point out that Toronto is not in a high-risk earthquake zone and that in the unlikely event of a catastrophe we'd be left halfway to fulfilling our original intention of removing the Gardiner and could quickly revert to that. A flexible council is an effective council.

The construction of another storey will in no way obstruct anyone's view of the lakeshore or public access to the waterfront. It could, in fact, have the beneficial effect of making all the condo towers less obtrusive to the eye.

But this will be rendered moot, anyway, by....

ITEM 2. Infilling Lake Ontario between Queens Quay and the Toronto Islands. The benefits of this are manifold:

There will be no need for ferry service or, in winter, icebreakers, which will save the city a considerable sum. The Royal Canadian Yacht Club will soon adjust to its new home at Bluffer's Park.

The grounded ferries can be turned into low-income housing at little cost to the city.

People will stop worrying about Captain John's floating restaurant springing a leak.

The creation of new land will be a condominium developer's dream and thus also a lucrative addition to the municipal exchequer.

The ongoing controversy between the city and people living on Ward's Island and Algonquin Island will end. No islands, no problem. Residents, robbed of their idyllic surroundings, will likely move away in short order, leaving the way open for a massive expansion of Toronto City Centre Airport and the concomitant relief of congestion at Pearson International.

Occupants of the new condos bordering the airport may express fears about the noise of jetliners taking off and landing. We can issue a reminder that the din from the rejuvenated Gardiner Expressway behind them will drown out all but the most ear-splitting aircraft.

ITEM 3. The city will need all the material it can get to fill in the lake. As a matter of priority, we should not only stop trucking landfill to Michigan (Corollary: Point out how "green" this is of us) but also implement a campaign demanding the return of all the waste that has gone there over the past few years.

Suggested slogans include:

It's Toronto's Trash!

Give Us Our Dross Back!

Don't Be a Pain in the Dreck!

Help Us Stop Wasting Away!

The state's anti-imported garbage movement will be all in favour of this. Any recalcitrant Michiganders can be wooed with the offer of preferential mortgage terms for the new condos: "Your weekend getaway only steps from the airport...."

Throw in a few Tim Hortons gift cards to sweeten the deal – starting with the islanders – and we should be home free. (Corollary: Redefine "home.")