To People Who Always Ask: "Where were you when.....?' I reply

....doing something productive. Lights Out Posted 8/17/2009 10:53:00 AM If there is anything that wants me to punch a hippie douchebag in the stomach more than the statement, "I loved the Air Farce take on the Gerry Ritz listeria reaction", it's the annual celebration marking the night the lights went out. It was six years ago last Friday when Ohio Electric and Power screwed up and power plants across the eastern U.S. and Canada did what they were programmed to do and shut us off from the juice we cannot live without. "Dude", yells the hippie to my left, "we CAN live without it, we proved it and if we lost all power for three weeks I can deal with it because I'm vegan and my old lady knows how to churn butter". Punch to the gut, hippie. And here's a head slap for yer gal. The annual "let's shut off the lights and sit on Riverdale Avenue to appreciate the stars" ritual is nice in the kind of way that getting the kids to ride in the back of the Lincoln pretending they're Jack and Jackie riding in Dallas up Broadview with a sniper behind the Riverdale Park knoll would be. "Caitlin, you look soooo cute in that pink pillbox hat!". "Mommy! Kale was shot through the head!", yells Caitlin as she scrambles from the back of the Lincoln to the waiting arms of the Secret Service. Are they that freaking stupid in downtown liberal/progressive Toronto that we would actually CELEBRATE the collapse of the hydroelectric system? Yes. They are. I don't remember my parents holding annual blackout nights after the November, 1965 blackout to end all blackouts. The current desire to return to the earth is so damn stupid and hypocritical and romantic because, underneath all the bullshite, every hippie knows there will be a cop, a firefighter or an ambulance at the door the minute Caitlin drops a candle on her flowery hippie blouse. Are we humans just not pigs who don't consider the consequences when we fire up a hair dryer or order our beef on-line from Wisconsin? No, we're not. We're an advancing civilization. We consume. If we're smart, we'll replace. With NUCLEAR. ("Gasp", exclaim the hippies who've opened another bottle of Gato Negro having read about nuclear on Suzuki's website). Progressive moms and dads in Toronto drop the bottles of expensive, imported extra virgin olive oil and make themselves feel good by celebrating the collapse of a utility as important to the fifth largest metro area in North America as oxygen. They'll even call the kids down from the Xbox den to make them join in. And all around Riverdale they worship the lights of the urban stars and pretended they all had the guts to move to the country and live off the land. Instead of Whole Foods. Or Caledon. Freaking hippie hypocrites! As the Sex Pistols sang...never trust a hippie.

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