Resolutions get yer resolutions!
Making New Year’s resolutions for oneself is such a disappointing bore — you’ve got to enumerate your faults and then encounter the truth that despite all the lists you make and plans you draft, you’re going to keep on doing the same old shit you did last year anyway, you’ll just be older when you do it. Making New Year’s resolutions for other people, however: fun!
For Mayor David Miller: Remember that counting to 23 votes — the majority required to pass necessary budget measures at city hall — requires more than the fingers and toes available to one man. So get Councillors Gord Perks and Joe Pantalone to doff their gloves and socks when planning controversial proposals. And don’t be afraid to, you know, try to hold public meetings and stuff to get the public on side before you push through something controversial. It’s less dramatic, but it could be less painful, too.
For federal Finance Minister Jim Flaherty: Look in the mirror each morning and repeat this mantra about dealing with cities: “Shut mouth, open wallet. Shut mouth, open wallet.” There’ll almost certainly be an election this year and the votes of the more than 80 per cent of Canadians who are “whiners” living in cities may come in handy.
For nightclub owners: If you insist on double booking a room — you know, band early, DJ late — have the decency to publicize the start time of the band. How else are we supposed to know to get out of bed in time to see the headlining act at 9pm? And oh yeah: the behaviour of the hooligans lined up outside on the sidewalk? Really your responsibility. You put them there, even if you didn’t have the decency to let them in. Deal with them.
For entertainment companies of all stripes: Take a lesson from Radiohead. If you allow people to pay what they want, enough people will pay enough money that you’ll make a huge profit and you’ll look like a good guy. Will some people refuse to pay? Yeah, but they do that anyway. But now you’ll save all kinds of money on lawyers and security measures because you won’t be trying to stop them.
For sunglasses: Corey Hart’s last hit record happened before Amy Winehouse started kindergarten. If it’s nighttime, you do not belong on people’s faces.
For those attempting to save “institutions” such as the Sam’s sign: Maybe try to save the institution by, you know, spending money to keep the business going. Not as much fun as a Facebook group after the business is bankrupt, we know, but you do get to buy stuff.
Speaking of institutions, for movie-goers: Local enthusiasts saved the Revue and Fox cinemas. Now it’s up to you to support them.
For Councillor Adam Giambrone: We know your brain just keeps coming up with ideas so quickly and you’re sure you’re right most of the time. But this year, try to slow down your tongue and, for a change, open your ears. Those great ideas might get even better with a little help from the people they’ll affect.
For the residents of Lansdowne: For a ka-ray-zeeeeeee change, how’s about being in favour of something?
For water: Stay in the faucet until we need you. No need to hang out in a plastic bottle that will hurt the environment and cost us money. We know how to work the taps.
For the RCMP: 1) Do not kill any innocent people. 2) If you kill an innocent person, do not lie about it in an attempt to cover it up. In fact, just stick to No. 1.
For temporary liquor licence permit inspectors: Step. The. Fuck. Off. It’s a goddamn art opening, for chrissakes. Are you afraid that if you don’t step in, a good time might break out or something?
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