An Open Letter To Premier Stephen Harper

Getting on the banned wagon David Miller's worried about guns, but there are lots of things we could outlaw for safety's sake

By LORRIE GOLDSTEIN, ASSOCIATE EDITOR

Dear Prime Minister Stephen Harper:

As you are no doubt aware, Toronto Mayor David Miller has launched a nation-wide petition urging you to ban handguns across Canada.

Inspired by Mayor Miller's logic that when a criminal commits a gun crime, the root problem is the gun and not the criminal, I would like to propose the following measures for the safety and protection of the citizens of Toronto, Ontario and Canada.

(1) Toronto Councillor Howard Moscoe often makes a fool of himself when he steps in front of a microphone. To bring an end to this appalling situation, I humbly request that you ban microphones.

(2) Given the tendency of Toronto councillors to spend their office budgets on really stupid stuff like bunny suits (Sandra Bussin), espresso machines (Adam Vaughan), limo rides (Georgio Mammoliti) and wine (Karen Stintz), I respectfully urge you to ban bunny suits, espresso machines, limo rides and wine.

(3) In light of the fact both Toronto Mayor David Miller and Ontario Trade Minister Sandra Pupatello have angered many Torontonians by flying to China this weekend, despite China's repression of Tibet, I implore you to immediately ban China. Or, failing that, flying.

(4) To end the possibility of any Toronto councillor ever again accepting a bribe -- as Justice Denise Bellamy concluded former city budget chief Tom Jakobek did in her report on the MFP computer leasing scandal -- I urge you to ban money.

(5) To end the possibility of any Toronto bureaucrat ever again placing herself in a conflict of interest by sleeping with someone doing business with the city -- as Justice Denise Bellamy concluded former city treasurer Wanda Liczyk did in her report on the MFP computer leasing scandal -- I urge you to ban beds.

(6) Toronto has experienced far too many street shootings in recent years. In order to put an immediate end to these appalling tragedies, I implore you to ban streets.

(7) Far too many drivers are racing their vehicles through red lights in Toronto intersections. Before one more innocent person is killed or injured as a result of their irresponsible actions, I demand that you ban vehicles.

(8) To end City Council's farcical tree preservation policy, which results in some property taxpayers being refused permission to cut down trees that are wrecking their homes, while others are permitted to cut them down faster than you can say "Paul Bunyan," I see no alternative but for you to ban trees.

BAN THE BUSES

(9) The Toronto Transit Commission and its labour unions are currently conducting intense negotiations on a new collective agreement which, should they fail, will result in a public transit strike. In order to end this dire threat to the citizens of Toronto, I humbly request that you ban public transit.

(10) Given that Ontario Premier Dalton McGuinty has broken his 2003 election promise to close Ontario's four remaining coal-fired, electricity-generation plants, I implore you to ban electricity. Or elections.

(11) Prior to the 2007 Ontario election, Premier McGuinty's government gave a grant of $1 million to a cricket club that had only asked for $150,000, part of what became known as the "slushgate" scandal. In order to prevent a repeat of such a questionable use of public funds, I urge you to ban cricket.

(12) In order to immediately end the human carnage caused by drinking and driving on our highways, I demand that you ban driving. Or, alternatively, highways.

(13) To prevent a repeat of Conservative MP Tom Lukiwski's repugnant 16-year-old comments about homosexuals captured on videotape, I urge you to ban videotape.

NO MORE ESCAPES

(14) In order to prevent all future prison escapes in Canada, I implore you to ban prisons.

(15) To address the ongoing problem of unacceptably long hospital wait times that many patients are experiencing across Canada, I respectfully urge that you ban hospitals.

(16) Finally, it has come to my attention that many Canadians have been wounded or stabbed to death by people wielding knives. In order to put an immediate stop to this senseless violence, I ... aw ... what the heck, we both know where this is going, right?

Sincerely, etc.