Mission Impossible-Caledonia

An impossible mission?

Apparently, no one is responsible for resolving the Caledonia standoff

By LORRIE GOLDSTEIN

In honour of the DVD release of Mission Impossible 3 last week ...

Greetings, Mr. Goldstein.

Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to find out who is responsible for maintaining law and order in Caledonia and ending the ongoing native occupation there over a land claim dispute.

As always, should you or any member of your team be caught or killed, the Secretary will disavow any knowledge of your actions.

Here's all we know so far:

n David Ramsay, Ontario Minister of Natural Resources and Minister Responsible for Aboriginal Affairs, is not responsible for what is going on in Caledonia because if he was, he'd be the Minister Responsible for Aboriginal Affairs AND the Minister of Natural Resources, silly.

n Monte Kwinter, Ontario Minister of Community Safety and Correctional Services -- what used to be known as the province's "top cop" -- is not responsible for what is going on in Caledonia because Caledonia is not a "community". It is a "town".

n Michael Bryant, Ontario Attorney General, is not responsible for what is going on in Caledonia because he is way too busy enforcing his pit bull ban. Besides, why would the province's chief justice officer be concerned about anything that's been going on in Caledonia for the past umpteen months?

n Dalton McGuinty, Premier of Ontario, is not responsible for what is going on in Caledonia because Caledonia is not "in Ontario". It is "near Hamilton." Further, McGuinty apparently has no idea what the Ontario Provincial Police are doing in Caledonia. If anyone tries to tell him what the OPP are doing in Caledonia, he covers his ears with both hands and jumps up and down shouting: "NOT LISTENING! NOT LISTENING! CAN'T MAKE ME! NYEH, NYEH, NYEH, NYEH, NYEH!" This is known as Ipperwash Syndrome.

n Former Ontario Provincial Police commissioner Gwen Boniface is not responsible for what is going on in Caledonia because if she was, she wouldn't be serving on a three-member panel overseeing Ireland's national police force, now would she? Further, if she was responsible for anything that was going on in Caledonia, when she was the OPP Commissioner, surely she would have said something about it at the time, right?

An interlocutor?

- Jim Prentice, Federal Minister of Indian Affairs and Northern Development and Federal Interlocutor for Metis and Non-Status Indians, is not responsible for what is going on in Caledonia because nobody can figure out what an "interlocutor" is.

- Vic Toews, Federal Minister of Justice and Attorney General of Canada, is not responsible for what is going on in Caledonia because why would the Federal Minister of Justice and Attorney General of Canada be concerned about boring stuff like the rule of law?

- Stephen Harper, Prime Minister of Canada, is not responsible for what is going on in Caledonia because if his Indian Affairs Minister and Interlocutor for Metis and Non-Satus Indians is not responsible for what is going on in Caledonia, and neither is his Minister of Justice and Attorney General, how could he possibly be involved?

Finally, a bit of good news. While we have not spoken to him, our sources tell us that newly-appointed OPP Commissioner Julian Fantino would like to know just who is responsible for settling the native land claim in Caledonia while he's trying to maintain law and order there. You may wish to contact him.

If you do find out who is responsible for what is going on in Caledonia, please let us know ASAP, as obviously we have no freakin' idea.

This tape will self-destruct, along with the credibility of the provincial and federal governments, in five seconds. Good luck!