Reality Or Conspiracy-Bag Boys Disappear In Canada

Some Of the Guys Who Bag Groceries Don’t Just Bag Groceries

Yesterday I went grocery shopping. Once I got to the cashier, I could immediately tell that the teenage bag boy was a spy. It was obvious. He looked at everything that I bought, carefully inspecting each item.

Somebody obviously wanted to know what I was buying. Trust me, I just know these things.

Careful. He could be an industrial spy!

You have to protect yourself when you shop. I always wear a disguise, but I'm certainly not going to tell you what it is. When I go shopping, everyone looks so casual.

That's because they're totally clueless about what's really going on. If you give your zip code when you check out at a place like Circuit City, for example, you're a complete fool.

Powerful companies want to know everything about you. And you're just going to casually give your zip code to a cashier?

I can't help but feel like everyone around me is an idiot. That's why I don't go out much. Well, I don't go out at all, really. Except for groceries.

I used to only have to worry about the government watching me. Now, it's the government and dozens of multinational corporations. That’s why I have an arsenal of 24 different automatic assault rifles.

Nobody has the right to spy on me. I'm packing heat the next time I shop for groceries. This young spy, posing as a bag boy, probably left work that day and sold his information to some marketing company.

Thanks to him, I'm going to be the victim of a barrage of junk mail and calculated psychological manipulations. I can't emphasize enough that you have to be careful. Rebates, sweepstakes, "bonus cards" at grocery stores--they can all destroy your life.

I don’t use coupons, for instance, and neither should you. Every time you use a coupon, it gets tracked to your address and then the mighty corporations know exactly where you live and what you eat for dinner every night.

Don’t fall for the coupon conspiracy, you’re only whoring your identity and exposing your loved ones to vicious marketing attacks and high-tech psychological warfare.

Every month, I get one piece of mail. And I'm certainly not going to say what it is. I don’t trust the mail, and my mail man knows that if I get more than one piece of mail each month, he's going to hear from me. I also pay all my bills with money orders, because, of course, it's the only safe way to go.

Next month, I’m going to get at least four pieces of mail, I just know it, and that makes me really mad. Don’t let the bag boys catch you. Bag your own groceries.

I just hope that little punk doesn’t know why I bought six gallons of lemon juice. Thanks to him, I've got to find a new place to live. Lately, I've had to do that every couple months. It's true....they're watching you........but only if you really know what's going on. Like me. I just know these things.