Much has been written about the rash of condos disfiguring the face of Toronto like high-rise acne. Less so about the newcomers lining up to occupy them, not all of who appear familiar with the basic tenets of city living.
Like ... don't stop to look about you as soon as you get off an escalator.
Those of us behind you have nowhere to go and no way to stop. There's going to be an ugly pileup and you'll be at the bottom of it, in more ways than one. Yes, this is certainly a way to meet new people but no, it's not a good way to make new friends.
The same goes for revolving doors. Move aside before you try to figure out where you are. Otherwise, everyone following you will be going around in circles or, worse, getting out where they got in. Some of us find that very confusing, akin to having an acid flashback (whatever that is): "Whoa, déjà vu. Didn't I just leave the Eaton Centre? It's like I'm in this far-out universe of ... retail, man."
We'll assume you know better than to board a streetcar with a backpack big enough to move house in. (Or is that actually how you're moving house?) If there are no seats, don't stand in the doorway or your fellow passengers can't get off easily. Pointing out that there are other doors they could use will instantly mark you as a newbie. You could find yourself on the sidewalk way before your stop.
If there are seats, there's no need to introduce yourself to whoever's next to you and ask where they're going and whether they travel a lot. If someone does this to you, excuse yourself and go stand in the doorway.
Keeping traffic flowing downtown is city hall's top priority. Memorize what the lights at intersections mean: green is "go;" amber is "go;" red is "quickly look for traffic cops and then go." Stop signs are advisory only. Cross the street at your peril and don't assume you're safe on the sidewalk. – bicycles are holy objects and above the law. Whatever happens, it's not their fault.
If you're walking against the evening rush-hour flood, you'll be jostled, body-checked and possibly told you're going the wrong way. Don't take this literally and turn around. You'll be into Union Station and on a GO train before you can draw breath. Instead, think of yourself as a salmon fighting your way upstream to have sex. But wait until you get home. Or on to the GO train.
A word of advice about your new apartment. Many are on the cramped side. If yours isn't big enough to swing a cat around, try swinging the cat up and down. (Animal lovers – and cyclists – please don't send me death threats. I already have more than I know what to do with.)
If your building is really close to the Gardiner Expressway and your condo looks out on to the highway, take care when barbecuing on the balcony. Smoke could cause an accident and put a semi-trailer in your bedroom. An interior decorator's nightmare; so hard to match.
Stop taking things personally. Many of the people you encounter casually may appear to hate you but ... well, yes, they do hate you. But not for anything in particular (unless you're blocking the escalator, revolving door, streetcar exit or sidewalk). It's simply because you exist in their space/time continuum. That's their air you're breathing.
Welcome to our city, a world-class place to be. Now get outa the freakin' way!
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