It Will Only Be A Matter Of Time....it appears like another union will be basking in the trough of public funding and Comrade Miller was right out in front sucking up to them to get their vote.
On Tuesday, the Toronto Cyclists Union was born. Heralded as the city's first "membership-driven bicycle advocacy group," the union plans to lobby in City Hall, peddling on behalf of those who pedal.
If successful, this could inspire other disenfranchised groups to organize, creating the Dog Walkers Guild, the Toronto Chapter of Ice Cream Vendors and the United Federation of GTA Kite Flyers.
According to a story in the Sunday Star, the union plans to offer a roadside assistance plan for cyclists, a la the CAA. How might this work?
I'm guessing, but let's say a union member gets a flat while cycling near Pottery Rd. Instead of doing what most riders do – kick the rim and curse the gods of vulcanized rubber – the member will now call a 1-800 number and await help.
Soon, a mountain bike will appear, piloted by a tattooed fellow in shorts and a TCU cap. He will attempt to patch the tube. But if the damage is more extensive, he will hoist the bike's front end onto a tiny dolly, attach a towing cable and give the owner a double-ride to the nearest repair shop.
And good news for audacious criminals: the union is also starting a "lock removal program." No, really, that's my bike. I misplaced the key. Hurry up, dude, cut the lock! Someone's coming!
Future union benefits may include insurance and an online dating service sure to include the world's most unique personals: "Single white female with daisy basket seeks banana-seat male for companionship up the big hills of life. Let's pop a wheelie together!"
No word yet on where the first union meeting will take place but sources say it's likely to unfold on a dirt road near a Canadian Tire. With annual membership dues of only $25 – or less than the price of a cup of gas these days – the union is sure to attract a broad coalition of Torontonians who appreciate the benefits of cycling.
"This really is terrific news," said the environment.
Union priorities shall include a push for more dedicated bike lanes and bike racks on public transportation. You think the TTC takes too long now, what with the driver stopping for coffee every three stops? Just wait until passengers start strapping bikes to the roof of the bus.
Union leaders also vowed to improve Toronto's two-wheeled reputation. Mexico City, by comparison, was praised for its plan to create 450 kilometres of new bike lanes.
But as readers pointed out on the Star's Letters page yesterday, Toronto's climate differs considerably from many bike-friendly cities.
Did Mexico City nearly break its snowfall record this year? Do people cycle around Amsterdam in toques and boots while smoking their drugs? And how cold does it really get in Paris, excluding the snooty once-overs?
So in addition to influencing politicians, the union must clearly exert pressure on the private sector to invent a bicycle suitable for Toronto. It wouldn't take much: 1. A protective dome fitted atop the frame. 2. A sidecar that doubles as a wood-burning fireplace. 3. An all-season Little Mermaid bell with matching handlebar streamers that converts into an ice chipper.
But the best part about joining the Toronto Cyclists Union? Solidarity!
Now when you get cut off, there's no need to give chase while loudly encouraging the ignorant motorist to do something that's anatomically impossible. Nope, just whip out your membership reflector and watch as the motorist apologizes profusely.
Nobody messes with a union.
Vinay Menon can be reached at vmenon@thestar.ca
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