Throughout history, leaders have come up with ingenious revenue tools. All Toronto has to do is use it taxable brain |
Mayor "The Tax Man" Miller cleans his wounds, dreams new schemes.
You think land transfer and car fees and other such evils are dead? Then you are not taxing your brain.
This is a city hall that is pondering whether to tax public sidewalks.
Councillor Adam Vaughan thinks downtown clubs should pay when customers line up outside. A study has been ordered.
"This is one of the stupidest ideas I've ever heard in my life," said a Canadian Taxpayers Federation rep.
In David Miller's Hogtown, no tax is too stupid. In true civic spirit, I would like to offer him some ideas.
Sex is always a good place to start, David.
Call it a Lap Tax. A loonie or two for every private dance in a Toronto strip joint.
Look to Utah, of all places, for inspiration. It has a new 10% surcharge on sexually explicit business income. Peanuts, so far. Mormons are not big on lap dances. We could do much better.
A Rhode Island legislator tried in vain to go further, a $2 levy on every act of coitus in the state.
Enforcement is iffy. Maybe we install those Hwy. 407 cameras and get a bill every month.
Or every year. (Dear Sir: Your account has been inactive for some time...)
We could even have a foreplay tax. In Los Angeles 150 years ago you had to buy a licence to serenade a woman on her balcony. We could make billions, David.
Sex tax too screwy? How about dope?
Several U.S. states require you to buy stamps to slap on your illegal substances.
In Tennessee, this includes moonshine liquor.
Again, compliance is a problem, though you don't have to identify yourself.
North Carolina has collected more than $80 million, mostly from dopers busted without stamps.
Think of all the revenue we could skim off whatever they're smoking at city hall.
Speaking of drug-crazed hippies, I hope Mayor Miller considers a tax on beards.
Elizabeth I was the first to do so. No particular reason. She just didn't like beards. And she was queen, as David is king.
Russia's Peter the Great was a man after Mayor Miller's heart, too.
The heavy-handed czar (I speak of Peter) not only taxed beards, but beehives, horse tack and anything else he could think of to raise money for his army.
His infamous "soul" tax was not so much religious experience, but a levy on every male in the land.
Soul tax? Slim pickings at City Hall.
Or, let's tax blonds. Pony up, Hilary Weston. Ann Rohmer. Michele Mandel. Mats Sundin. Mayor Miller.
Gamblers are always a sure bet for extra tax revenue.
Casinos make sense. Until then, we could collect a dime on every deck of cards sold, as they do in Alabama.
Mayor Miller complains the city does not have a pot to piss in. He should take heed of another despot's solution.
Roman Emperor Nero's many eccentricities included a urine tax.
Just what you need. Another way to watch your hard-earned money go down the toilet.
Romans paid to spill their home chamber pots into public cesspools. These in turn were tapped for ammonia, used to keep togas white and bright.
Mayor Miller, there is a goldmine in all those new condos blocking out your beloved waterfront.
William Pitt the Younger, of England, taxed buildings with more than six windows.
The downside: A lot of bricked up windows.
Pitt sure was cut from the same cloth as our mayor. In 1795, he slapped a fee on wearing wig powder. Short-lived. The nobles all wigged out.
The list of taxed things around the world is long. Tattoos, nose rings, blueberries (in Maine), salt (in China), furs, sparklers, noisemakers.
But let's break new ground, David. Surely by October you'll figure out how to tax us for stepping on cracks in city sidewalks or drinking from fountains or lying on a beach or breathing city air or reading a newspaper on a park bench or ...
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