A Comedy In Three Acts.........

THE CAST: Comrade Miller, Joe Pantaloons, Perks, Vaughan and a group of bit players on city council.........

Political play a Queen St. flop By SUE-ANN LEVY A new fringe theatrical production previewed on the ever-more-absurd-by-the-day City Hall stage this week. Taking a bit of artistic licence from the soon-to-be city-owned Theatre Passe Muraille -- and one of its better known shows Da Kink in My Hair -- I shall name the City Hall version "Da Nuts on My Council." The three-act play -- a snappy comedy with tragic overtones -- features as its impresario and lead actor Mayor David Miller. His minions -- who do so love to make a spectacle of themselves -- comprise the supporting cast of characters. "Da Nuts" debuted to mixed reviews Tuesday afternoon. Act One was staged at 4 p.m. outside of Miller's office. The sweat furrowing his brow and his voice reaching a sanctimonious pitch, the play's lead actor -- acting more pigheaded than ever -- denounced the very idea of getting his house in order to relieve the city's deficit woes, claiming his is an "award-winning" government. "The city in the last three years won 50 awards for public service excellence," Miller said. While he licked his wounds about the previous day's council vote to defer (until October 22) his eagerly anticipated tax grab tools, Miller contended the media has a role to play. "The media should be saying to people ... the city is run efficiently and effectively," he said. "Those are the facts." (Insert uproarious laughter here and fade to black.) After a lengthy intermission (after all this is City Hall), Act Two unfolded around 6 p.m. The lead actor -- here comes the tragic part -- rose to tell council he's instructed his city manager to begin a citywide program of "cost containment." Even though his city is a highly efficient machine, cost containment would be conducted "everywhere and anywhere" to pare down a $600-million shortfall projected for next year. "Every million dollar (cut) will help," the mayor proclaimed. As Miller warned the media of "service cuts" that would be noticeable by September and his budget chief Shelley Carroll threatened to raise property taxes by as much as 10% to make up for not getting $356-million from their tax tools, Coun. Denzil Minnan-Wong was heard in the background criticizing a plan to bail out debt-plagued Theatre Passe Muraille to the tune of $1.2-million. Intermission ended quickly to make way for the final act -- a 90-minute comedic spectacle of a council in fiscal crisis trying to justify the purchase of the failing theatre company's building (out of a capital reserve fund with a mere $38 million left in it). Unfortunately by 7 p.m., most audience members but me, had walked out of "Da Nuts." Those of us left heard Coun. Adam Vaughan, who doesn't seem to care how many entertainment venues he puts out of business with his silly sidewalk tax, declare that the local business community "will suffer" if the theatre is forced to close. We heard Coun. Gord Perks get swept away in his rhetoric, as he often does, about an investment that will help to "grow" the city's economy. "If you vote not to buy this, it's a bad, bad decision ... it's the smart thing to do, the caring thing to do," he told council (insert more laughter here). When Coun. Karen Stintz suggested this purchase wouldn't fly in the "court of public opinion," Carroll, Perks and Kyle Rae laughed in her face. When Coun. Michael Thompson, delivering the soliloquy of his term to date, contended it was "repulsive" that council would even deal with this matter given the city's fiscal crisis, the mayor's lapdogs heckled him. "Come on, get a life!" shouted deputy mayor Joe Pantalone. And as for the lead actor in "Da Nuts" -- the very man who declared his war on costs one hour earlier -- Miller claimed, calling on his favourite self-righteous dramatic tone, that the purchase was about a cultural "vision" for the city, about "exercising council's economic development responsibility." The cast of "Da Nuts" voted 30-8 to buy Theatre Passe Muraille before dashing off for their taxpayer-funded dinner. I didn't know whether to applaud, to laugh or to cry. Alas, I doubt very much this production, much like the city's new theatre company, will make any money. Knowing its impresario's less than stellar track record when it comes to managing fiscal crises, I suspect the play will close before it ever opens and its financiers -- namely Toronto taxpayers -- will be stuck with the bill.